domestic dilettante, humorless feminist shrew

Yeah, so, the whole month of March somehow just disappeared! I have no idea what happened there. Actually, that’s a lie, I know exactly what happened: Maura got sick, I got sick, Maura and I got sick at the same time, Maura got sick and then I got sick, I got sick, Maura got sick again, I got sick again. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that literally every week for the last five weeks, either Maura or I has been sick. I’m ready for this month to be over. (And yes, I realize that five weeks is more than a month, but I’ve convinced myself that when March is over, the plague will go away. Please don’t make me question that right now.)

I’ve heard that the internet hates large blocks of text, so instead, I give you a list.

• Vajazzling. We’ve all heard about that by now, right? I know that the comeback is “I do it for me, to feel good about my lady parts.” You know what? If you need to stick cheap plastic rhinestones to your genitals in order to “feel good about them”, maybe you should look into therapy. They’re pretty much there to make you feel good–maybe you’re doing it wrong. (Pro tip: it takes more than Tab A, Slot B for most people. Just sayin’.)

• Author websites that are at, like, Angelfire. I had a website on Angelfire once! In 1997. It costs ten bucks a year for a domain redirect, and it looks way more professional. If you’re one of my authors and you lack the ten bucks and/or the technical skill to set up a redirect, email me and I’ll do it for you. Seriously. (If you’re not one of my authors, I’m not giving you ten bucks, but I will walk you through setting up a redirect, if you want. Email me. It may take a few days, but it’ll happen.)
• Being sick. My sick days for the year are already gone. This happened last year, too, when I got pneumonia and spent a week laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself.
• The tenses of lay. I’ve had it explained to me by at least half a dozen really smart, clever people, and Nick actually made me a chart at one point. I still can’t get it right. It’s my big failing as an editor. (I can, for the record, get “lain” right. But that’s the only one.)
• This trend in the YA market of paranormal-whatever-as-a-metaphor-for-abstinence/way of making abstinence sexier. Yes, I know that Stephanie Meyer made ten billionty dollars, but one, you’re not Stephanie Meyer, and two, Twilight was a shitty book. Popular, yes, but Nickelback were popular for a while, too.
• Owl City’s video for Vanilla Twilight. Half of the video is people standing gawping, open mouthed, at the sky. The other half of the video is the clouds in the sky forming into a…a giant vulva with magical light and colors coming out of its vagina? Seriously, someone tell me what I’m missing, because I’m clearly not getting it. Also, Owl City guy, go have a shower. And a haircut. And you kids get off my damn lawn, you hear me?
• My chronic overuse of the word awesome. I say it way too often, but it’s such an easy shortcut! And so easy to use sarcastically, which, you know, is a bonus. I also say fascinating too often, but there’s so much neat stuff out there that it’s hard not to. (Related: did you see the news about finding a new species of ancient human? Both awesome and fascinating.)
• Messing with medication. The dose of Seroquel I was on was keeping me stable, but making me gain an alarming amount of weight (almost 40 pounds in the last year) and also turning me into a zombie. The dose that I’ve dropped to is keeping me mostly stable and not making me a zombie, but it’s also taken away my ability to stop thinking long enough to fall asleep. This blog post? Written at four in the morning. I get up at eight for work. Bad job.
• The pinkification of random products. What the hell is the point? It’s a cable–special for girls. Are the grey cables problematic in some way? It’s a cable. You plug it in and then by the time you look at it again, it’s grey from dust anyhow. Also, who uses wired connections anymore?
• Hats. You look stupid in that hat. Yes, you. Yes, that hat you’re wearing right now. And the one you were wearing earlier. And the one before that. And that stupid trucker cap. Sadly, I have married a hat-loving man, and I have a hat-loving daughter and hat-loving friends. Just say no, guys!

In happier news, this weekend is set up to be MEATFEST 2010. Friday night is a sausage and bacon roast over my new firepit; Saturday is spareribs. There’ll be karaoke and cigars, and I’m told that people will be wearing hats. More importantly, there’ll be pictures. It’ll be epic.