Like everyone else on the internet, I saw the recent reports of the woman who tossed a cat into a wheelie bin, closed the bin, and walked away, leaving the cat trapped in the bin for sixteen hours.
Almost as well-covered has been the woman’s apology.
I want to take this opportunity to apologise profusely for the upset and distress that my actions have caused.
“I cannot explain why I did this, it is completely out of character and I certainly did not intend to cause any distress to Lola or her owners.
Later, the woman says,
I wish to reiterate that I am profoundly sorry for my actions and wish to resolve this matter to everyone’s satisfaction as soon as possible
One of these is an apology. One of them is not.
This isn’t uncommon. People generally don’t like admitting wrongdoing–we hate admitting that we’ve done something inappropriate, and so often we simply don’t admit it. It leads us to “apologies” like the first example here. I’m sorry for the upset this has caused, or I’m sorry that you’re upset. In both instances, the emphasis is on the recipient of the apology and largely removes the reason for the apology from the picture.
Saying things like “I’d like to apologize for the upset and distress that my actions have caused” says quite clearly that what this person is sorry for is that people are upset and distressed. It doesn’t in any way imply apologize for the actions that caused the distress. It’s like saying “I’m sorry you thought I did that,” or “I’m sorry you feel like I wasn’t listening to you when I kept interrupting.” This phrasing implies not only that the person apologizing didn’t do anything wrong, but they’re also the bigger person, since they’re being tolerant this other person’s implicit overreaction.
The cat lady, whose name is Mary Bale, actually flat-out stated this.
“I really don’t see what everyone is getting so excited about. It’s just a cat,” Bale said.
[...]
“To think this video is being seen around the world is unbelievable. I’m a very private person and don’t want to upset any members of my family. I don’t know what my relatives will think, but to be honest I think everyone’s overreacting a bit.”
I’m certainly not saying that Bale should be put to death for abusing the cat (though I admit to feeling that maybe she should spend twelve hours or so in a garbage bin,) and obviously this is an extreme example. It’s a good example, though, because she’s articulated precisely what many reluctant apologizers are thinking: This isn’t a big deal. I didn’t really do anything wrong. These people are just crazy and overreacting. This isn’t really my fault.
This sort of apology isn’t about wrongdoing, or even about the person who’s apologizing. It’s a thinly veiled excuse for your actions, and it pushes the blame from you for doing something offensive to the person who’s been offended. After all, if they were looking at things more realistically, or if they weren’t overreacting, or if they weren’t misinterpreting, this wouldn’t be a problem at all.
So here’s how you apologize.
Decide that you want to apologize. You don’t have to. No one’s going to make you. They might think that you’re an asshole, but they’re not going to bully you into apologizing. If you’re not actually sorry for what you did or said, you might as well own it. If you feel like you have to say something, stick with something relatively neutral. Say it wasn’t your intent, maybe, or that you’ll agree to disagree. If you must, say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” (That’s code, by the way, for “I don’t really care.”)
But if you want to apologize, really, here’s what you do. You listen to what the other person is saying, even if you don’t agree with it, even if you think that they’re being unreasonable. You let them finish without interrupting. Then–and this is the tricky part for a lot of people–you say you’re sorry. Just like that: “I’m sorry.” If you’d like to step it up a bit, you can say something like “I’m sorry for running over your bike. It was an accident, and I’m happy to replace the bike. I hope that this doesn’t get in the way of our friendship.”
You don’t have to do all that, though. All you have to do is say you’re sorry.
You’re on a roll lately, M! I could not agree more. Don’t apologize for how somebody took what you said or did. It’s passive and backwards at best. Apologize for saying it. Or don’t bother. Rock on!
I agree with locking her in a bin for 16 hours. Let’s do that. She’s probably that nasty lady who tortures the neighborhood kids for fun.
And yeah don’t apologize if you don’t mean it. Husband’s are bad about that…Apologizing when they don’t even know why they’re supposed to be sorry. That has no meaning! Don’t bother!